Background

Thursday, October 9, 2008

"How a person masters his fate is more important than what his fate is."



Destiny is a predetermined course of events. It is a concept based on the belief that there is a fixed natural order to the universe. Destiny may be viewed by as a reaction from the Divine or by human will. It is the moment when your number "comes up" or that it was "meant to be". Destiny may be seen either as a fixed sequence of events that is inevitable or that individuals choose their own destiny by choosing different paths throughout their life. Destiny is fate, fate is destiny. In fate free will does not exist. The actions are free, but work toward an inevitable end.

Does this mean that our actions that we choose affect the inevitable end result? Take me for example, I have made some decisions that I have regretted but that it is not necessarily my fault for the outcome. We have all dated the wrong person, but never expect some of the terrible acts that may come from them. Things that may haunt us the rest of our lives. Was I destined to be physically and mentally hurt the way that I was? Destined to live in fear of going outside? Destined to never open my heart and trust anyone, even my family? Why was this my fate? How can we change our fate? I know I have my faults, just like everyone else, but I feel that I deserve better.
So how DO we change our fate? None of these people are worth the way that I feel right now. They don't deserve my tears, my fear, my hate, my anger. They are nothing. They WILL be nothing. Do not underestimate me because I have been through some really rough times that I am not a strong person. If I was weak I would not be here today. If I am destined to rot away, then fate has another thing coming to it. I will not allow anyone to make me feel less than what I am or what I deserve. I may have been destined to suffer, but I will not allow it to last. So does that mean that I am changing my fate or was it meant to be? Think about it........



(Great photo with my old friend Clayton in the picture)




Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Getting into the spirit of things.


If you ask a lot of people what their favorite holiday is you are most likely to hear something like Christmas or Birthdays. Me, my favorite is Halloween. Why do you ask? It is not about the candy, though sometimes that can be a plus. It is a night to come out as you are not or as you wish you could be. You let all of your guards down and just have a good time. There is a certain feel to the air around halloween. It starts off with you needing an extra blanket on your bed, the air is colder when you get out of the shower, the leaves are crisp and changing colors. There is a silence to the air outside. Everything seems to smell and feel clean and crisp. It is the onset to winter coming.


Halloween is an annual celebration, but just what is it actually a celebration of? And how did this peculiar custom originate? Is it, as some claim, a kind of demon worship? Or is it just a harmless vestige of some ancient pagan ritual? The word itself, "Halloween," actually has its origins in the Catholic Church. It comes from the corruption of All Hallow Eve. November 1, "All Hallows Day" (or "Saints Day"), is a Catholic day of bservance in honor of saints. But, in the 5th century BC, in Celtic Ireland, summer officially ended on October 31. Halloween's origins date back to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain ("end of summer"), the Celtic New Year. They believed that the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred at this time. On the night of October 31, it was believed that the ghosts of the dead returned to earth. They thought that the presence of the spirits made it easier to make predictions about the future. To commemorate the event, Druids built huge sacred bonfires, where they gathered to burn crops and animals as sacrifices to the dieties. The extinguishing of the fires symbolized the "dark half" of the year. The rekindling from the fire was symbolic of the returning life that was hoped for in the spring. During the celebration they wore costumes, typically consisting of animal heads and skins, and attempted to tell each other's fortunes.


One story says that the spirits of all those who had died would come back in search of living bodies to possess for the next year. It was believed to be their only hope for the afterlife. Naturally, the still-living did not want to be possessed, so the villager would extinguish the fires in their homes to make them cold and undesirable. They would then dress up ghoulish costumes and noisily paraded around the neighborhood, being as destructive as possible in order to frighten away spirits looking for bodies to possess. Some accounts tell of how the Celts would burn someone at the stake who was thought to have already been possessed, as sort of a lesson to the spirits. Other accounts of Celtic history debunk these stories as myth.


Folk tradition tells us of some divination practices associated with Samhain. Among the most common were divinations dealing with marriage, weather, and the coming fortunes for the year. Ducking for apples was a marriage divination. The first person to bite an apple would be the first to marry in the coming year. Apple peeling was a divination to see how long your life would be. The longer the unbroken apple peel, the longer your life was destined to be.


Trick for Treat has several origins. During Samhain, the Druids believed that the dead would play tricks on mankind and cause panic and destruction. They had to be appeased, so country folk would give the Druids food as they visited their homes.


The witch is a central symbol for Halloween. When setting out for a Sabbath, witches rubbed a sacred ointment onto their skin. This gave them a feeling of flying. Some witches rode on horseback, but poor witches went on foot and carried a broom or a pole to aid in vaulting over streams. In England when new witches were initiated they were often blindfloded, smeared with flying ointment and placed on a broomstick. The ointment would confuse the mind, speed up the pulse and numb the feet. When they were told "You are flying over land and sea," the witch took their word for it.


It is important to distinguish between paganism and Satanism. Pagans are people who believe in more than one god. Some modern day pagans call themselves Wiccans. Pagans are quick to emphasize that they do not worship Satan or the devil. The devil is a Judeo-Christian concept, they say, because one has to belive in a single God to believe in God's opposite. Celts were pagans, not Satanists. The Celts did not actually have demons or devils in their belief system. Some Christians describe Halloween as a festival in which the Celts sacrificed human beings to the devil or some evil demonic god of death. This is not accurate. The Celts did believe in gods, giants, monsters, witches, spirits, and elves, but these were not considered evil, so much as dangerous. The fairies, for example, were often considered hostile and menacing to humans because they were seen as being resentful of men taking over their lands. On this night of Samhain, the fairies would sometimes trick humans into becoming lost in the fairy mounds, where they would be trapped forever.


Irish children used to carve out potatoes or turnips and light them for their Halloween gatherings. They commemorated Jack, an Irish villain so wicked that neither God or the Devil wanted him. Rejected by both, he wandered the world looking for a place to rest, his only warmth a candle in a rotten turnip.


So although some cults may have adopted Halloween as their favorite "holiday", the day itself did not grow out of evil practices. It grew out of the rituals of Celts celebrating a new year, and out of Medieval prayer rituals of Europeans. And today, even many churches have Halloween parties or pumpkin carving events for the kids. After all, the day itself is only as evil as one cares to make it.


Thursday, September 18, 2008

Who is the real victim here? You decide....


I want you to know I am not mad
These feelings come from one who's sad

You were my friend, I trusted you
To raise me up when I'm feeling blue

I am still searching for that sharp pain
That peirces my back and low terrain

I'm tired of being the strong one
So many things that can't be undone

One cannot laugh, one cannot sigh
Without the tears flowing from the eye

I always know what one can't see
The future that one brings to me

Everytime you see him smile
You'll see the friend you had for a while

What's to come, it can't compare
To those long looks and empty stares

This is the debt that you must pay
To remember the pain to who you betray

I do no wish these things upon anyone
This will happen because of what you've done

Will you be one to stick it through?
Or when the dark hits, you come unglue?

The only thing that time can heel
Is how I think and how I feel

One last question I have for you
Are you a friend that can be true?

This was my inital reaction to the events that took place. I am now speaking out. I had a close friend that I trusted for 2 years. We shared many good and bad times and still I stuck by her. I always knew that the day would come when our friendship would fall. She is the type of person that lives for herself and not for others. I stayed by her side because I had many ties that connected me to her. We had the same mutual friends, I was involved with her family, and not to mention that I rented the basement of her brother's house. Don't get me wrong, we did have some great times together. But in the end she would try to put me down to bring her up. You all know that type. The type that always got hand fed life, never having to take care of themselves. Everything was a competition. She had to be the center of the universe and if you made one declaration of something that you wanted she had to have it.

During the time of our friendship I met someone that I felt a connection with. He wasn't my usual type, but he has a very uplifting energy that draws you in. I guess you could say I had a crush on him. He was the first guy in a long time that I felt I could be myself around. He was kind, loving, fun, my friend. I had expressed my feelings to my friend and entrusted her to not say anything. A year went by and I still thought very highly of him. I did not try to persue anything because I didn't want it to affect my friendship with him or with anyone else. The more and more I spoke highly of him the more he became her desire. She never proclaimed anything, but when I would mention anything about him she would make it a point to flirt harder with him. Once again it became a game that she had to win. Any sign that he showed towards me she would need to interfere.

As some of you may know I have a nack for reading people and being very perceptive. I have a very strong intuition. A few months ago I realized the my friend was hiding something from me. I decided to watch her more closely to proove that my intuition was correct. She was becoming quite close the the guy that I had strong feelings towards. I would catch her trying to make one on one plans with him and the becoming silent when I would come closer. I tried to rub it off because I knew they had been friends longer than I had. I wanted to trust that she would not betray my feelings and my friendship. Now this is where the story takes a turn.

I woke up one Sunday in an exceptional good mood. Things had gone so well 2 nights before with me and that guy. We had shared a moment of bonding. Things were starting to look up. I decided to share my mood with my friend. I called her up to see what she was doing and she was just down the street at the mall. I told her I was in the mood to go play, so she invited me to come shopping. I met up and instantly knew that there was something going on. She had a look in her eyes filled with lies, fear, excitement. She had been mentioning going to a movie after the mall and then I asked her with who. Now who do you think it turned out to be? It looked as if it were a date, but she claimed it wasn't. She could obviously tell that my mood had taken a turn from good to bad. There was too much secrecy for it to be just hanging out. Not to mention she then decided to give me a $50 Victoria Secret bag. This coming from a person who never gives gifts even on birthdays. Her idea for a great gift is some lotion and a candle. It doesn't get any worse than that. This was obviously a bag given out of guilt because she know that she was lying. I had even confronted her about it giving her the opportunity to tell the truth. She wanted to try to make it up to me by hanging out after the movie. She never did call.

A week later we had our 24th of July celebration. Things started out as normal, but I still had a nagging feeling. I decided to approach her. I asked her to come inside and talk to me for a moment. I asked her if she had told him that I was upset that they went to movie together. She said yes. This kinda made me frustrated. I immediately asked her why she would do that. She then mentioned that maybe we should take this conversation downstairs. She said something had happened. It had already been going on for a month. I immediately knew what to say next. "You slept with him." Obviously not a question. My head dropped and I started to cry. These were not tears that he had chosen her, these were tears of being betrayed by someone that I trusted for 2 years. I kept my voice calm and felt the need to tell her some things. I told her that if she had these feelings for him that she should have come to me and told me. I at least earned that. I told her that I felt betrayed and that she had lost my respect and trust. She had plenty of opportunities to be straight with me. I told her that I needed time. The length of time was unknown. It could take me weeks or months. I told her, "I love you, but we are not friends." If she wanted my friendship than she would need to earn it back. She said that she was sorry, but understood. I decided to stay away from the party to not get anyone else involved even though my disappearance would not go unnoticed.

Two days pass and I get an email from her. This is how it went.

"I know that you may need more time to process this situation. I just want you to know that I DO care about you Michelle. As much as you may think I am this horrible friend right now, it was never my intention to hurt you personally. I love you and think you are a unique individual who has brought a lot of insight and inspiration to my world and would hate to lose that. You have been a really good friend to me. I am here if you want to talk and my arms are always open to your friendship. I hope you can see that. Love ya."

I thought this was a nice gesture, but I had asked for time and still needed more time than 2 days. I made no response. After that she had made bulletins online on myspace that would be answers to survey questions. Here are some examples.

I'm tired of:
"Trying to make everybody happy. I have come to realize the people who really know me and understand who I really am will believe what kind of person I strive to be and will always be there for me. I can't make anyone think a certain way, but I can keep my fingers crossed for the only one person I really would hate to lose as a friend right now and they know who they are."

Today:
"Is a hard realization of how my choices for my happiness can have the capability to destroy friendships. It's a strange world in how that works."

Are you upset?
"I am a little sad the reality of how people are reacting to something that could be the best thing that ever happened to me."

Wanted to tell someone?
"At this point I feel like the opportunity of a decent conversation that could have given a better understanding of a current situation was missed. I feel I deserve the chance to do that."

Even some of her friends posted things. Keep in mind, I had only mentioned briefly this story to one person. I did not want to make it a public affair. This was not anyone's business and this was not giving me any time to heal. I started noticing comments left on her page about how a true friend would be happy for someone elses happiness and that I was in the wrong. Now what about my happiness? Does that count for anything? These were coming from people that I didn't even know. What business was it of theirs? Why would she tell them? Was it the guilt eating away at her, so she decided to turn it around on me? What did I do wrong? This could have all been avoided if she had just been honest with me in the first place. Second, when I ask for time it didn't mean to get the whole world involved and trying to make it out to be my fault. Why would I forgive that? I mentioned the story to one friend and her brother because I wanted to make sure my living situation was in tact. I went into no details and spent maybe 3 minutes discussing it.

I then received an email from the guy that she was now seeing. I will not post what he said because he did nothing wrong but follow his heart and I respect him too much to do that to him. I will however post my response.

"Ok first off I hope that you can listen to what I have to say and be open minded about it. I don't want sides to be taken, but I already know that it will be done. There have been multiple things that have led to the down fall of mine and her friendship. The conversation I had with her on the 23rd was just the icing on the cake. She should not be confused to anything that is going on because I have expressed my feelings to her. I am not mad or hateful, but am extremely hurt. I have entrusted her with things and have been there for her in her times of need. I feel very betrayed. Things that I have trusted her with have been made known to others. She puts herself first in all situations, which is not always the best thing. I tend to put my friends first and now it is my turn to be first. I can not continue to be demeaned by any means. In the conversation with her I expressed that I needed time and that if she really wanted to be my friend that she would have to work for it. She has lost a lot of my trust and respect. In the mean time she has emailed me apologies and then has turned it public bulletins making the situation to be my fault and that I am not forgiving. I am a forgiving person, but there are things that need to be mended. I am also the type of person that believes sending an email will not proove anything. There is a reason that people say actions speak louder than words. You say that she is hurt and she will email me, but her other actions contradict it. With everything that I have been through in my life, I can't have a good friend causing me more pain. I have been beaten and raped, but nothing compares to how a friend can hurt you. It is time to find some peace in my life. I care a great deal for her, but I'm afraid that has been over looked. I have told people to not take sides and that I really need time, but everyone keeps coming at me from different angles telling me how to act and to feel. They keep telling me how things in the past have been said behind my back that have just increased my doubts. I know that you don't want to be involved, but you are. A lot of these things could have been avoided if the truth was just told. I earned that. It is the lies, the hiding, the broken trust, the deciet that have affected the friendships around you. As to my relationship with you, I feel no anger or hatred either. You have meant a great deal to me. I do not wish our friendship to end, but again I will need time. Things have been said by people that you have said some harsh things about me. Maybe these are not true, but it is hard to know when we have obviously been lied to. Who do you trust then? All I can do is trust myself. Things will never be the same on both ends and things will not be forgotten. Where it goes from here I do not know. Words are not going to solve anything though. Her and I will never be the same friends that we once were. I am happy that you two have found happiness in each other, but I hope it is not just some temporary happiness. I hope it was all worth it in the end for all. I hope that things that I have said will not be twisted when I know that you will share my words to others. I will continue to remain your friend and I love you both, but things are not ok. Time and actions are needed."

He seemed to understand what I had to say. I no longer have feelings towards him. I think he is still a great person and is open to my friendship. The next day I received a voicemail from her. She mentioned that people are taking sides and that I keep causing all this drama and that she is sick of it. She admitted to mentioning the story in depth to a select few people. This voicemail continued on for a few minutes. Never saying that she was in the wrong, but that it was basically my fault. I found it very amusing. How had I started the drama? I had kept my mouth shut. I never made it a public story. All I did was ignore it. How would that make everyone take sides, unless she had been talking to them and they were taking her side. That is fine by me, because they weren't worth it. I would not play into her game. I was the adult about it.





The story doesn't end here. I got another email. For someone that claims to not like drama, she still keeps coming. Here is how it goes.





"You know Michelle, I have done a lot of thinking. We both have been through a lot. I know neither of us can be the 'best friend' that people expect us to be. You and I have had tiffs, and arguments, and situations where I have learned a lot from you and I grow as a person. I don't know what it is you want from me. I don't know what you want me to do. I mean from the time we met at Iggy's till now. Look at all the things we have been through and what a pillar of strength each of us have been for each other. It's a shame you can't see that as valuable. Right now I am concerned that you are having conversations with people who really don't know me or even care who I am. There is nothing that I have said to anyone that I would never say straight up to you. YOU should know this more than anyone. I understand that I have hurt you in a way that may take some time to forgive. But at the same time don't run off just because your pissed and ignore me. I don't know if this is something that you just want to be mad at me for because you want to be mad or if you really want a reason not to be friends with me anymore. At this point I am confused and would like to talk it over, this way at least we have heard each others points of view instead of a third party. (which never resolves a thing) I was hoping that this situation was a conversation that you and I had addressed one on one. I never wanted to have a spurt like we did at a party and never talk about it again. Instead everyone else is getting involved and you and I aren't talking, what good does that do other than stir the pot? I am absolutely insulted you went straight to Amanda and knowinly let her speak for you on her bulletin today. This is someone I never trusted in the first place because of her track record. She likes drama and will make this more than what it should be. I don't have a problem telling her that either. But she is not worth it to me. YOU on the other hand are worthi it to me. This should have stayed between you and I. Granted I have talked to Katie and Twice, but you know that they love you just as much as I do, you know what kind of conversations go on between us, we are not vindictive and will never say anything just to stab you in the back. YOU KNOW THIS. But you can think whatever you will. I am at a point where I know I have told you what kind of friends I need, and they are the ones who will tell me straight up how they feel instead of talking shit behind my back. We go through shit in our lives. It sucks. But you have been a huge part that has helped me through and I would hate to lose that."





Since then there has been still numerous little remarks on myspace aimed at me. She has treated my friends very poorly because to her they are guilty by association. It is uncalled for and very childish. Now where do we go from here? I am currently in the process of moving and after the move I plan on completely removing all of them off my myspace. When did myspace become such a soap opera? Isn't supposed to be just for fun and to keep in contact with those that you don't see often? I know this will cause an even bigger stir, but honestly I don't even care. I'm cutting myself off from this whole mess. This whole mess could've been avoided in the first place. First she could have expressed her feelings towards him. Second she could have come to me and not lied for months to me. She could have just told me rather than me finding out on my own and needing to confront her. Am I really that unapproachable? Third, when I ask for some time-give me time! Two days is not time. Fourth, don't go posting things about it to the whole world and then try to make me out to be the bad guy. Take responsibility for your actions! Fifth, if you really want to be my friend and are trying to make attempts be a little more sympathetic and not trying to place your guilt on someone else. Put the blame where it deserves to be rather than finding excuses to avoid the pain. Sometimes you have to live with the pain and earn the trust and respect back. Let go of your pride. Put someone else's feelings first for once. You could learn a lot from them.


Now the intent of this blog was not to cause drama or to trash talk. Everything that I have said, I would say to her face. She is not ready to hear and listen to what I have to say. It would all be twisted in some way. I wanted to put some facts out there so that people can now have a chance to see my side of the story. There is no chance for her to be in my life now. That time has passed. I hope that others can learn from this story and learn how to not let things go so far. Honesty is key. No matter how scared you may be, they get worse the longer you wait and the more you lie. If they are your true friend they will learn to understand. I would have forgiven her. I have moved on and she should do the same. It is sad to lose a friend after that long, but I am better off without her. "There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people in your past, there is a reason they didn't make it to your future."