The key to change...is to let go of fear.

Fear is an emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc. whether the threat is real or imagined. What causes fear? Fear can be acquired by a frightening traumatic accident. Although fear is natural, we must put it aside if we are to ever take full control over our lives and live life to the fullest. there is not one person that does not have a fear of something. There can be two types of fear-external and internal. External fear is caused by something which you are strongly motivated to avoid, such as spiders. Internal fear is something outside of you that you link a negative emotion to, for example: fear developed out of low self esteem. The most common fears are ghosts, existence of evil powers, cockroaches, spiders, snakes, heights, water, enclosed spaces, tunnels and bridges, needles, social rejection, failure, examinations and public speaking.

I have what is called PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It can be overwhelming with the ability to cope. It can cause me to re-experience flashbacks, nightmares, lack of sleep, lack of ability to concentrate, and so on. After everything I have been through I consider myself to be very stong willed. So what do I fear? The lack of ability to get close and trust people, especially men. This prevents me from having the desire to date, yet I still don't want to die alone and want to be able to bear children. Lonliness is about the scariest thing out there. Whenever I meet someone interested in me I do whatever I can to steer him away. I feel that I am damaged and there is no healing for me, plus I have the scars to prove it. Is it not fair to warn him that he is wasting his time and energy? I am not looking for sympathy here people. Sympathy will only shut me out even more. I am looking for a fighter, but it seems to me that the world is lacking the same. Is it too much to want the same in another? When you look into someone's eyes you can see where their life has been and where it has taken them. I want to look into someone's eyes and see that they have experienced life-the good, the bad, and the ugly, but that they can fight along with me. Always do what you are afraid to do.

Addiction

"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness, looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."



Addiction can be marked by physical or psycholigical dependancy that can cause serious distruption to their personal lives and the lives of the surrounding people involved. When you hear the word addiction you automatically think of drugs or alcohol. These may be more common, but there are so many different types of addictions. Take cutting for example. A lot of people view a person who cuts themselves as a way to get attention or maybe a way of committing suicide. This is almost always never the case.

I am sharing this as a personal experience. This was never the case. I purposely tried to hide it and did not do it as a way to commit suicide. It was a way to feel that I gained some sort of control of my life. I felt that I needed to punish myself for the act of what someone had done to me. It became an addiction to me. I didn't feel there was any other way to express all of my anger, frustration, depression, or any other feelings that were going through my mind. I felt a release after I had taken it out on myself. I even kept sharp objects on hand just incase I got upset. Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. On top of all of this I was also doing coccaine. This went on for almost a year straight. The thing with doing coccaine is that I never craved the effects of the drug itself. I craved the motion of snorting a substance. I loved the smell of it, the motion of preparing it as well. I had hit rock bottom. I had so much anger against myself, against things that had happened to me that I thought I could have prevented. I have since learned I couldn't have. I must say that I may have been a luckier one. I hit a low and realized the pain that I was causing myself and my loved ones. It was time to move on and decided that the person that made me feel all of this anger and pain was not worth it and that I was stronger and better than him. I had to quit my job, stay away from places that I had done the drugs, cut off my friends, moved home, didn't watch movies that involved drug references at all, got rid of sharp objects, basically made a drastic change in order to kick my habit. The thing is, you may kick some addictions and gain some others. I found that cutting out some things I found I was afraid to leave the house. I went to work, sometimes went out with friends but for the most part stayed isolated. I was afraid to fall back into any past faults. It was a place that I felt safe. Alone. When I left, it is sort of like leaving a perfectly good house when you know a tiger is just outside, and oh, by the way, let's strap a raw steak around your neck. I know that you can't hide from yourself. You can't hide from your own head going ugly. Unfortunately, I know that if I dwell too much on the things that could go wrong or have gone wrong in the past, I have trouble living my life. The practicalities of life do not cease needing to be done just because other things are going wrong. Staying isolated is not a positive addiction either. Obviously. All it does is cause you to rememeber everything all the time and have no way to let out any release.



This is not an easy thing for me to talk about. I'm not even sure how to do it. Letting go. How do you let go? How do you open your hand and let yourself fall, and trust that other people will catch you? That they'll catch you and not let you hurt them, or yourself. I'm still having a hard time trusting people and I believe that will always be a problem. Maybe I just don't trust myself. I hope that there are no judges here, but if there are then you obviously are to blind to have an understanding of real emotional suffering. To anyone worrying, I have been completely clean of coccaine and cutting free of years all on my own. To anyone suffering of these problems, you can overcome it. There are ways to overcome, even without counseling. I am always here for advise or just an open ear. Everyone handles their problems differently though. I still have things that I am dealing with, but everyone has things they are constantly overcoming. We love, we fight, sometimes we lose...but we hold our heads up. Happiness keeps you sweet, trials keep you strong. Sorrow keeps you human, failures keep you humble. Success keeps you growing.